just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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