She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
