You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
