I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
