My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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