Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
