4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
