if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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