A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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