got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
