My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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