I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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