I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
