never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
