When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
