Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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