I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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