Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
