From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
