i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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