I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
