well I can't set my house on fire every night
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
