shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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