look no pants
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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