i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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