Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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