My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
