From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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