When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
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I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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