gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
