Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
