I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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