I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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