There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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