cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
