There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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