The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
