I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
