Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.