I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
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I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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