I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize