my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
