piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
