I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
