i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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