I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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