Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
