I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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