Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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