my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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