Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
