I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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