I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
