Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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